perhaps.

perhaps im petty too.
perhaps i should just pause and really slack in life and not do anything.
perhaps i should give myself a year of break before applying for uni instead of half a month.
perhaps i shouldn't have quitted ntu.
perhaps i shouldn't have started bmwu / hwc.
perhaps.. just perhaps.

and when i saw their pics on her blog again,
it just hit me that people move on but memories do stay.

might be both good & bad for her.
good memories for me before finding out,
and all those good just vanished and got replaced by those lies & bad memories.

and it just remind me of the dream i had earlier on..
good and bad,,,

i think i just have a bad day.
im angry with everyone talking to me.
my mum. cheng. someone i cant mention. mdk. or even fly.
yes even fly.
and now,
awk.
cos i wanna share why im upset but i expect awk to have telepathy and know without asking.
no reasons,
im just angry with them.

perhaps i just take things so badly.

perhaps im just upset. plain upset.

dinner at the jap restaurant at ion.
and halfway through the dinner.
i just thought of my father.
everyone was around.
my bro, my sisters, my mum.
everyone, except my father.
and i cant rmb,
cant rmb at all when was the last time we had a family dinner like this, as a whole.

and i just wanna blame it on people.

i start to realize,
my temper got worst after their divorce.
during their divorce.
i blame mdk for not being there.
i blame him for letting me go through it all by myself.
that day they signed the papers,
he wasnt around.
we werent good.
he was out.
but it was another lie.

i dunno is it cos im cynical,
but those good memories just fade so easily,
while those bad ones stay for so long.

like cheng.
i know she was in a bad mood today.
and i just feel angry with every msg she sent me.
cos im reminded at how we always ask her out.
and she give all sorts of excuses.
how we ask her to club and she cant make it.
and the next week she went with her bf / poly friends.
how we ask her out and she always cant make it cos others ask her first.
im just ANGRY.
just ANGRY.
cos she's always the one who cant make it.
always the one who give the most stupid reasons of all.
always the one who doesnt make sacrifices,
that made this friendship seem so unworthy.
and now im mad.
mad at myself for not trying to make her feel better,
and silently blaiming her for pissing me off,
when its actually nothing.

i feel im hurled back to the past.
when i cant sleep that time when i start posting at flirtydolly.
i get insomnia being afraid of bad sales.
and now its happening again.
afraid of being accused by customers.
afraid parcels not delivered on time.
afraid stocks get stuck.
afraid of bad sales.

and its all happening.

im just upset the whole day.
really.

and when im upset.
i expect extra care, extra concern, extra attention.
from everyone.
end up i got mad at everyone.

nvm,
awk managed to make me LOL.

shall sleep early tonight.

明天会更好