Vortex

 

totally LOL when my mum replied this.

hahaa.

 

yesterday at work.

boss is having a baddddd mood.

sorry la lili.

i'll try to be a much better fortune cat next time.

PROMISE <3

 

and i have an adorable shitty asshole brother who loves using me as a workout machine and i still love him.

how can he be adorable and shitty at the same time?

god knows why.

it's amazing how 15mins of his time made a difference and set me thinking again and again.

that said, he asked about my love life and all he said was.

LAME! LAME!

like wtf?

ni cai lame please kang ge ge.

lame AND violent.

oh did you realize i changed my blog font?

i'm bored of it already..

i want a new iphone casing!

i want the lucien........

MEH

 

i don't know if i'm feeling cranky cos it's cheng's bday tmr?

and for the past 10 years i actually had been celebrating it with her.

except maybe this year onwards.

it has been 6months?

and the few things that were still etched deeply in my mind were her phone number,

where she stays, 

and that time when she dropped by my grandma's place with bubble tea to apologize cos she cock up the dates when we were supposed to meet.

that probably was the only time she made an effort to pacify me when i got angry.

and that was before she got attached to boon?

her first year in RP? i don't know.

i can't remember anymore.

i keep trying to recall the happy memories i used to share with her.

can't.

there are still mutual friends who will come and ask 'where's peiru?' when they see me.

and all i do is roll my eyes and reply 'we don't hang out anymore'

sometimes i wonder, what exactly happened that caused all these.

and so, that asshole proposed to her.

i don't feel a single bit of happiness for her.

i do feel sour, prolly feel like crying too.

but it's definitely not cos i'm happy.

she used to be the one whom i insisted on being the bridesmaid for her wedding.

the planner, the provider for bridesmaid dresses, the MC for her banquet, the everything.

i hate it whenever people ask if i still miss her.

cos i do, i fucking do.

i miss us. the happy us.

she can take my bitchings about her in front of her, or even behind her.

cos at the end of the day, i'll still tell her.

i don't know how someone can take my harsh criticism so fucking well.

she's the only one who can take it all in, no matter how malicious those words were.

and how we never fight, but once we did it'd be so fucking bad i'd regret it almost immediately.

i only remembered we quarreled once in public over something really trivial.

and anthony was stuck in between cos he don't know what happened as both of us just snapped and chao bin all the way.

and the one who broke the ice was this indian lady who tried alighting at the wrong exit.

why was it so easy to dissolve all those unhappiness and quarrels in the past?

i no longer feel angry, i don't think she does.

but maybe we just got tired of the non stop fights that occurred that time.

and we got sick of making each other feel better cos our life was shitty at that moment.

i was handling my breakup with mdk,

she was, i dunno, kanna gong tao by that dick as usual.

oh wells, honestly, the inner me just wanna yell  

DON'T FUCKING MARRY THAT ASSHOLE!!!!

cos honestly, i don't know how to feel happy for her.

it is not my life, not my relationship.

but, i know too many outsider comments about them that i think giving them my blessings will be total bullshit.

i just sincerely hope that asshole did change for the better.

and, it's not as though my opinions matter to her right?

and they say an un-blessed relationship lasts the longest.

so let it be this way then.

PUI.

i'm just, affected i guess.

who won't be.

at the end of the day, i 看不开 a lot of things.

sometimes, i just wanna shun.

and it's annoying how much fear i brought with me from my past rs.

i'm constantly paranoid, constantly insecure.

i just wanna hide myself somewhere.

i hate the way i behave now.

why can't i just be normalllllllllll.